In the past whenever I've faced a difficult challenge I've often said to
myself, "come on Albasarí, this is peanuts, it's not like I have cancer or
something really bad like that."
Now that I actually have cancer I've had the
opportunity to reflect on the due magnitude of the different types of problems
I face in my day to day. While it is true that having cancer is indeed a big
problem, this doesn't mean that it somehow wins the prize for top problem and
is therefore most worthy of energy or empathy above all other challenges.
When I ask my dear friends how they are doing they start
off by telling me about their broken hearts, leaky faucets, rowdy children,
toxic work colleagues, etc. and then inevitably they freeze in place and say
something like: "but I know this is nothing compared to having
cancer". They seem sorry for taking our time up with what they catalogue
to be as small or even medium problems.
I want to comfort my lovely friends and provide the space for
us to talk about all types of troubles without having to categorize or compare them.
Talking and sharing = empathy and understanding. For me sharing in each other's problems is about
meeting each other where we happen to be at, at that moment.
Different
stages in life call for different types of problems. When I’m in an office
environment I too give myself license to resent my boss’s mansplaining or the
ill-intentioned e-mail from the colleague I can see typing from across the open
space who coulda just walked over to talk instead of writing me ccing half the
company. Right then and there I would consider these to be medium problems.
While it’s true that some degree of perspective is called for so that we don’t obsess
or dedicate excessive time to being annoyed at such situations it’s OK to
express anger or frustration over situations which suck.
The other day I had a bug day. I'm referring to actual living, physical
bugs. First it was a mega fly. Bigger than a stuffed olive. Me and my
daughter chased it around the house with cushions in our hands trying to steer
it towards the open window or balcony. We were preoccupied with the fly for
hours as we knew it was imperative to get it out of the house before going to
bed so as to prevent it from waking us up the next morning at sunrise. This was
a small problem, but it turned into a really big one around 8 PM on Saturday evening.
The even bigger problem was a tiger mosquito we identified shortly after finally getting rid of the goddammed fly. The tiger mosquito is no small problem. In fact, right then I felt like it was a medium problem that could turn into a big one. We silently watched and chased and hunted and jumped and toppled the lamp until finally I was able to smash it into my newly painted wall. When I saw the blood splatter turn into a streak thanks to my lack of craftiness I almost cried. Right then and there this felt like a big problem. And I don’t feel guilty about thinking this at that moment!
This is some water damage in my bathroom. Yes, this is a small problem in the grand scheme of things. Still it requires attention and energy: call the insurance company, buy the baseboard wood, make an appointment with the carpenter, wait for him to show up, etc. Not the end of the world. But I don't feel petty for wishing it hadn't happened so I wouldn't have to deal with it.
I won't even feel petty for being annoyed if the carpenter shows up an hour late. And yes, the cancer gives me some perspective: I'm better able to love the carpenter for existing, I feel grateful for having an appartment, and I take the wait time as an opportunity to organize my drawers.
Still, the energy and focus must be employed to fix the damage and it's normal to process this inconvenience however we each see fit and are able to in the moment!
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